Being Yourself on Your Wedding Day Takes Huge Balls

Neil Thomas Douglas Photography

December 5, 2019

Everyone wants to have a unique wedding day that reflects their identity, after all, there are few occasions where you can be as deliciously indulgent as you want (making your friends do literally anything your heart desires, mwahaha).

But as the planning process can take its toll and every well-meaning family member and previous bride puts in their two pence worth, it can get harder and harder to stand strong in your ideas of YOUR perfect day. Not to mention the trad bridal magazine (thank god for Rock n Roll Bride!) spouting ‘advice’ which just doesn’t feel like you. It’s all too easy to get up to the big day and feel like you’ve sacrificed every weird and wonderful personal detail that you wanted.

Yup, being yourself and planning a big day that is authentically yours, well, it can take huge balls. The first step in cultivating an ‘I matter and my opinion matters’ attitude is to realise that it’s not selfish to put yourself first. In fact, you are the most important person in your life (sorry not sorry, life partner). We also all need to re-frame what exactly putting yourself first looks like and realise that self-love not just ‘nice to have’ but a vital necessity. Self-love is often marketed in a way that’s cringey, touchy-feely and maybe even self-indulgent.

But in reality – it takes a punk ass attitude. Let me explain why. Sadly, like a lot of good things, the phrase has been co-opted by diet culture, women’s magazines and Instagram wellness accounts. So, it’s easy to bundle the whole concept of self-love with green smoothies, gym-worthy abs, overpriced yoga classes and out of reach wellness retreats.

There’s a lot of articles out there that link self-love with self-improvement and this often leaves us all feeling guilty for not achieving it. Be mindful of anyone talking about self-love while also selling you something which is telling you that you’re not good enough as you are.

As a society, we spend too long treating the symptoms of the (dis)stress in our lives. For example, you’re feeling totally overwhelmed by your DIY wedding decoration planning (the
symptom is stress), so you book a massage to feel relaxed. This is a temporary ‘cure’ and in my opinion this is self-care. This is where self-love and self-care are different. Self-love It isn’t about any nice activity which you choose to do, or not do.

Now don’t get me wrong, self-care is awesome and important but a massage isn’t going to sort out the root cause of your problem e.g. the huge, overwhelming feeling of DIYing chair ribbons. Doom.

If you want to really love yourself – and be yourself – you have to be courageous. True self-love is about being brave enough to look at the ‘thing’ beneath the emotion and working out how to change it – because this is the only way to fully live YOUR way. We have to stop using self-care as a way to numb out the things that really need changing. Only when we work out what we really need can we then supplement with ‘self-care’, which for me are baths, walks in nature and soul food. Whether we’re talking about big life decisions or the smallest of wedding details, you deserve to live your life exactly how you want to and not have to suppress what you know deep down would make you happy. Becoming authentically you and creating your own blend of wellbeing is something I talk a lot about with my clients because only you truly know what you want/need (sorry not sorry family).

Here is a list of things which might not be thought of as self love but most definitely are:

💖 It’s letting someone down because you really don’t want to do a thing
💖 It’s making your own path
💖 It’s sticking to the road well-travelled
💖 It’s listening to your gut
💖 It’s not ‘being brave’
💖 It’s asking for a second opinion
💖 It’s going to therapy
💖 It’s holding on
💖 It’s letting go
💖 It’s quitting your job*
💖 It’s looking at your debt and making a budget
💖 It’s seeing the doctor for that thing you’ve been avoiding
💖 It’s ploughing on even though people doubt you
💖 It’s calling out bullshit
💖 It’s burning the diet books/’health plan’/excessive gyming because it’s making you miserable
💖 It’s wearing it anyway
💖 It’s reaching out
💖 It’s speaking out
💖 It’s doing the things you want without regard for how it will be seen by others
💖 It’s distancing yourself from toxic people
💖 It’s saying “I deserve better”

Here’s another example. You want to wear a two-piece for your wedding day but your mother-in-law keeps hinting about princess dresses. You keep nodding and looking at her suggestions with interest while deep down you’re screaming. Time to find those balls, honey. No amount of scented candles is going to remove this particular stress in your life until you’ve dealt with the root cause (sorry not sorry fictional mother-in-law).

Being yourself at your wedding also doesn’t have to mean riding a white horse down the aisle or flying to Nevada for some incredible desert motel engagement photos. Nope. Being yourself also isn’t about doing what you think is ‘cool’. It can simply be telling your best friend you really don’t want a tacky hen do. Or mentioning to your partner to be that you really want to veto that Bon Jovi track you’ve pretended to love for the last five years when really you want to jump out the window whenever you hear it.

Putting up boundaries is sexy. Speaking your truth is hot as fuck. And being yourself looks as big or as small as you want it to. You got this.

(*Please don’t just quit your job without a plan, especially a financial one)

About Harri Rose

Harri Rose is a qualified health coach and mindfulness teacher. She teaches unapologetic body acceptance, self-compassion and creative living. Harri believes that for too long we have been apologising for our bodies – and that diet culture and beauty standards are holding us back. Through her writing, workshops and 1:1 clients, Harri helps people to live their lives without rules and restriction and embrace how amazing they really are Rock n Roll Bride readers can claim a 15% discount on any of Harri’s coaching packages or workshops, just send an email with the code RNROLL15 to hello@harrirose.com and get your journey started.

This article originally appeared in the now sold out Sept/Oct 2019 issue of Rock n Roll Bride magazine. The current issue is now available on the high street or to purchase via our website.

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100 comments

  1. I have photographed 500+ weddings so would class myself as experienced.
    When i started in the early 80’s i spent £2000 on medium format equipment, which was the best camera for the job at that time. Amateurs would not pay that amount for the camera, and as a result you images were far superior to “guests” images. If these so called photographers could not look at any of the images they had taken until they were processed(like us pro’s in the 80’s) I don’t think they would have the confidence,We had the expertise to expose the film and pose the pictures correctly, and we only took about 60 pictures the whole wedding!!

  2. Great wedding photography is also about people skills and organisation. After years in the business I still went to seminars and always came back with a little more I learned.
    I have been brought images taken by “a friend” and asked if I can sort them out as they are crap. I won’t tell you my answer.

  3. I’m going to bookmark this blog and send it to every bride that tells me that our services are too expensive. You get what you pay for…

  4. It should be obvious that you get what you pay for, but I think the pricing for good photography can feel steep to some people. It is an odd business, as it is (on the high end) a luxury business that revolves around having relatively few clients per year and just putting a lot of work into each client to make sure they are supremely satisfied with both the service and the images. The issue is that when you do it right photos really look effortless. That said I don’t think that people should break the bank on their photographer. Having the best should not be your priority if it’s going to really affect financially.

  5. David Jones

    Honestly most women complained about their photographer regardless of how much they pay I have friends that paid 3,000 and their wives complained and I also have friends that paid 8,000 and there wives still complained.. This is the most important day of your life granted, however i dont think people invest in cheap photography because they dont want they exclusive 8-10k photographer. Its like do you think the people driving in a honda civic wouldn’t prefer to drive the ferrari, ofcourse they would. Women guilt their husbands to spending way to much money on an event that lasts 5 hours. And photographers charge you way more money just because they can, taking the same poses/combinateions for a sweet sixteen is half the price. There are amazing photographers out there who take spectacular wedding photos for under $1,000 i know because i searched forever and found one. Make your decision based on their portfolio and what you can afford. dont shy away from an amazing photographer just because she is less expensive.

  6. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had couples come to me & say they want to book a great photographer because they know a bride & groom that had a bad experience hiring someone cheap & inexperienced.
    As you say, not a good idea to overspend, but to budget for the best photographer you can afford…in my opinion (but then I would say this as I’m a photographer myself) even if that’s at the expense of the cake or car you’ll have for the day rather than for life

  7. THANK YOU for saying what so many of us photographers have been saying for a long time. While there are wedding photographers all across the board to hit every budget, brides just need to remember that if they do choose the “cheaper” option they themselves have no one else to blame if something goes wrong.

  8. Stop booking cheap anything and then complaining about it.
    You get exactly what you pay for. Be it your godmothers flowers, your friends free dj skills, or your sisters day of planning.

    Hire professionals and stop mixing in the crap.

  9. Like every one else I read the headline and jumped to the conclusions that everyone else did – cheap photographer etc etc. However after reading the photographers very personal and public response on FB I felt awful for believing everything I read. The pictures she shared were great for a £500 photographer but of course the paper didn’t show those ones? 45 mins late – yet she captured the bride getting ready and her arrival at the church?

    But I completely agree with the point Kat is making – when doing your research you cannot expect to go for the cheapest price and get the most expensive product – life doesn’t work that way x

  10. Lynn

    I experienced this as the photographer around 15 years ago. Back before digital and people were still using film. I was a student and photography wasn’t my major, it was a hobby. But a friend of friend was getting married and asked if I would take pictures for her wedding. I hesitated accepting the job because, I wasn’t a professional and this was a memory she was supposed to have for the rest of her life. She insisted that it wasn’t that important to her and that she just wanted someone there to take pictures on the day. I charged $150 for the job. $100 of that went towards film and processing. I used two cameras so that when I ran out of film on one I could just switch to the other. Well something was wrong with one of the cameras and the pictures taken with it had a black bar on the bottom of it. The bride was livid and wanted her money back. I apologized and said this was why I didn’t want to do the job in the first place because something could go wrong. I also said I didn’t have her money since most of it paid for film and processing and as a student that $50 was long gone. I never advertised as a photographer or even offered my services, I was basically badgered into taking the job then accused of ruining someone’s wedding.

  11. The money we spent on our wonderful photographers (McKinley Rodgers) was worth every penny. They were so lovely on the day and created the most beautiful images – even though I spent my wedding day with food poisoning (argh!) they did such a skilled job of making me look healthy and happy – I wouldn’t have changed them for the world. Best thing we spent money on! X

  12. Yes,i can’t agree with this more! And the same about our gowns.The cheap thing you are happy when you see the price and pay for it but unhappy when you see the real things in hand.

  13. Andy

    Whilst we’re on the subject, wedding magazines, blogs & venues are also culpable. They publicise, recommend & persuade couples to hire sub-standard photographers purely because those photographers either pay a commission to be recommended or they’re advertising clients. Couples are ‘duped’ as often by these (often rather expensive) one-hit-wonders & part with sometimes substantial amounts of cash based on nothing more than their 5 minutes of fame online. Some of the work that’s routinely churned out by many so-called ‘pros’ is nothing short of embarrassing.

    I personally think it’s worse when someone charging a great deal, falls way short of expectation.

  14. Absolutely!

    You choose to spend only £500 on a student photographer to document your wedding and frankly you should have no expectations whatsoever.

    That said, if one is charging for one’s services one should act prfessioally regardless of the amount invoved

  15. Really interesting article. I have read people saying “it doesn’t matter that the photographer cost £500… she charged so the pictures should have been professional.”. But no they shouldn’t. You get what you pay for. The fact the girl was cheap means you are getting someone who can’t charge the going rate… for a reason. A lesson to potential brides and people who think they are “professional” photographers. And before I get a million responses saying that this is not the case and that there are great photographers out there charging £500… yes there may well be, but for every great £500 photographer out there, there are 999 absolutely awful ones who should be saying they are a photographer let alone a professional photographer.

  16. I agree. Anyone who hires a jackleg needs to accept their share of the responsibility for that risky decision and realize you get what you pay for. Hard lesson.

  17. alex

    If you read the all story, there are 2 versions of this story. She sent more then 250 photos to the clients and not 15, and much of the photos the press is showning on that wedding are in fact photos taken by FRIENDS of the bride at the wedding and not the photograph (thus, the poor quality).
    Seems to me some journalist made a total invention to gain notoriety. Trash tabloids. nothing more.
    You should read the real version of the story as explained by the photograph and not this weird married couple… They had their nice wedding photos…300 of theme… what are they after ? fame ? money from press magazines ? Maybe.

  18. The issue is that there is NO barrier of entry into professional photography. Like other readers have said – I spent thousands of thousands of dollars on “pro” equipment back in the day that is now replaced by cameras 10x as good and 1/4 of the price. Add to that the sheer amount of average/poor images we see on a daily basis thanks to the phones, and peoples ability to judge a great photo has declined rapidly. It’s very sad. And whats worse is that there are some talented shooters out there who want to work for cheap, thus driving down the rates for the entire industry. What I’ve seen is that those photographers, who once worked for cheap, now want to get paid more but they cant because they shot themselves in the foot. We, as an industry, have shot ourselves in the foot.

  19. Wedding pro

    So right. It’s your wedding, your money, your consequences. It’s too often we see champagne dreams on a beer budget. If you don’t have a lot of money, do some diligent research on your vendors. Ask questions, look at reviews, look at past work. It’s great to find people who are newer in the industry who are truly dedicated to provide great service and who will work for less to build their experience. However, hiring inexperienced vendors does not guarantee all will go flawlessly. The true pros that charge professional rates are the ones that bring that to the table. You can’t compare the two. Order a burger from McDonald’s and it will feed you. It may be sloppily thrown together, may be missing the lettuce because someone new is training on the line. But it’s a $4 burger. So you know what to expect. Eat it. Now if you order a $18 burger from a steakhouse, it better be cooked and presented perfectly, accompanied by great service. If there’s an issue you have a legitimate complaint. Same goes with wedding vendors. We are not all the same exact burger and experience.

  20. Claire

    It’s not just the photos, it’s the experience on the day. My Uncle is doing our photos as our wedding gift, and he’s not a professional photographer (Shock horror! You’ll regret that, most important day of your life, don’t cry when it all goes horrifically wrong etc etc). However, he did the same for my brother a few years ago, and it was so lovely having him do the photos. He’s been the photographer at loads of weddings of friends and family, not because he’s the best photographer in the world (he’s certainly not terrible though) but because he’s amazing at putting large groups of people at ease (he’s a policeman by day) and he’s fun! There’s no uncomfortable smiles or fakery, because everyone knows him and he’s a laugh. That’s worth more to me than a few arty shots of my shoes or someone who knows their way round Photoshop.

  21. Stephanie McKenna

    Package price is not always indicative of quality work. There are some photographers that charge way too much, in my opinion, for photographs that are not technically great. They charge for their artistic “talents.” I know that I will be underpaid for 2016, but I’m taking the hit so I can have a well-rounded portfolio with a constant flow of weddings throughout the year, so that for 2017 and beyond my pricing structure is grounded. I know “newbies” can have awful work, but on the same note so can the “pros.”

  22. Such a brilliant and important article – every bride and groom need to read this!! Not to show them that they should hire a professional wedding photographer (because I totally understand that not everyone can afford one) but just so that they are aware what the possible consequences of getting your friend or someone “who is just starting out” to shoot your wedding are!! Would love to use this as a guest blog post on my blog 🙂 xx

  23. I can say the title is straight to the point! Having read the post, I am not sure I agree with everything you have said. Cheap does not always mean bad standard. However, in reality it probably does. You have many brilliant photographers trying to break into the market and in order to achieve this they undercut many of the professional ones. Would it be correct to say we all had to start somewhere? The answer is yes. In balance not everyone can spend £2000 on a wedding photographer as you have brides and grooms who might only have this budget for the entire wedding. To conclude I think the market is open to variety of different price points and it’s down to the bride and groom to make the choice which is most suited to them. On the flip side you are correct to say if you go for a cheap photographer then risk is much higher. For this reason you should not be too surprised if the images don’t turn out the way you had wished for.

  24. Wow, I could not agree more! Just last week I was approached at a wedding by a couple with a sob story about how they had been let down by their photographer. I was horrified so asked “who did you book?” They replied “Can’t remember his name but it was a deal on Groupon” My sympathy instantly vanished. Great post as ever

  25. So true and well written Kat. I’m always amazed when I get enquiries and discuss all the lovely things they want from their wedding – vintage bus, gorgeous church and country house, vintage dress – and then say they can’t believe how much photographers cost, budget of £500!!!

  26. Firstly, the Daily Mail loves a story about a nasty photographer ruining a bride’s big day, so a pinch of salt is required when reading such stories. “You get what you pay for” is an absolutely false statement in the area of photography as it assumes that a higher price equals better quality, service etc. Does anyone really think that a high key family portrait taken by Venture Portraits and costing £750 is necessarily better than one taken by another photographer in his studio that costs £400? Venture photographers are employed because of their affability and selling skills, not their skill with a camera. Some wedding photographers are expensive because they are good businessmen and are able to make the maximum amount per wedding. Others charge a lot because of high overheads but that does not mean that their work and service are better than someone who can thrive by charging less. As was said earlier, there are some brides/grooms who will always find fault regardless of what they paid for their photography; some people are just complainers and there’s always a tabloid waiting to publish their pain. It is wrong to assert that a relatively cheap wedding shoot will leave a bride disappointed whereas she’ll be overjoyed if she spent £2000 more. Due diligence, research and clarity about expectations is the key to couples being happy with their wedding photography.

  27. Great article but I think I would have to agree with Anthony Benjamin when he says ‘Due diligence, research and clarity about expectations is the key to couples being happy with their wedding photography.’ I think this is a very good point. There tends to be a certain amount of snobbery in the wedding photography industry in regards to the amount of money charged.
    If you pay a lot for a service there is no cast iron guarantee you will receive the amazing service that was promised.

  28. Sadly it is not going to stop. Digital makes it more and more accessible and FB makes it easier than ever to set up a business, show off a few images of your own (possibly more from the workshop you attended…). However, using the word ‘cheap” is a bit much for me. Everyone is on budget. Some are £££££££££ and others are just £.

  29. Excellent article and as others have said couples must be prepared to do the work necessary in terms of choosing carefully a photographer who provides everything they want at their budget.

  30. I think this is great Kat but all photographers start somewhere. There’s no harm in offering your services on a budget at first but make it very transparent to bride & groom as expectations are set and of course have a contract in place 🙂

  31. I came to this post after reading your tips on getting great wedding photos. Couldn’t agree more that couples should choose their photographer very carefully. After all, the only thing that’s left after the day is finished are the images!

  32. Great post! It seems that here in the UK, we’re well behind countries like the USA in terms of how wedding photography is valued. I see “decent enough” photographers over the pond charging $4,000 – $8,000+ and getting all the work they need. Wedding photography isn’t just about what you do with a camera, it’s who you are as a human being and what you bring to the atmosphere. Sometimes couples need to be gently prised open and encouraged – this is where the real wedding photographers excel. Getting the confidence of a couple and helping them to blossom isn’t anything to do with f stops and ISO!

  33. “You pay peanuts, and you get monkeys”, someone once said! But on a more serious note, there are some great points made in the article above, and in the comments. More than ever, particularly with couples increasingly turning to Instagram to find their photographer, it’s crucial that couples do their due diligence, and ask the right questions of their photographer. There’s nothing wrong with hiring a photographer that happens to be at the start of their journey as a professional, but couples should be clear about what they expect and photographers must be honest about what they can deliver.

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