You’re going to have a wedding! Isn’t that the best thing ever? A whole day with everybody you adore, celebrating your beautiful love story. What could be more exciting and thrilling than that?

For five years, I have written in this gorgeous magazine about how important it is to embrace this opportunity to have your day your way. I have sung from the rooftops about telling unsolicited opinions where to go. I have urged all rock ‘n’ roll brides to plan their weddings unapologetically. But, all along, I have never failed to add one teensy weensy caveat… Don’t be a dick about it.

I am talking about those great people. Your adoring aunt. Your supportive friend. Your loving cousin. All the people in your life who have been there through it all, who have never let you down in any serious way, who deserve your care and attention and compassion always.

I’m not talking about any toxic relative or frenemy who does not deserve a place at your table. Respectfully, you can put in place any boundary you feel is appropriate there. No one is entitled to a spot at your wedding, even if they’re related to you. End of.

I’m talking here about the lifelong friend who has had a baby recently. She’s breastfeeding. She’s exhausted. She’s scrimping and saving on statutory maternity leave pay. You’re having a high-season, adults-only wedding in Europe somewhere. And she has, regretfully, just told you that she won’t be able to make it.

Yes, you are disappointed. Yes, it’s a shame. Yes, you were an amazing bridesmaid for her a few years ago and went above and beyond in every way. But, remember this because it is most certainly true, your friend is feeling so much worse about this than you are right now. She was so upset before she called. She has been psyching herself up for weeks to finally tell you. She has been stressing, fretting, discussing it with her partner, trying every which way possible to see how they could afford it, or whether Granny could come too and stay with the baby at the Airbnb. The moment she got off the phone, she burst into tears. She probably feels like a terrible friend and like she has let you down.

But here’s the thing, she did not do this to hurt you. She did not do this because she doesn’t love you as much as you love her. We are not talking about those sorts of people here. This friend didn’t do this for any nasty reason whatsoever. It is, unfortunately, just life. These things do just happen. And as important and momentous as your wedding day is, your friend is going through something completely massive in her life as well. And now is your chance to honour that.

You are the one who chose to have a wedding abroad. That mattered to you. You are the one who chose to have an adults-only wedding. That mattered to you. She hasn’t made you feel bad for those choices because now it means she can’t come. She thinks they’re great and she’s thrilled you’re celebrating how you want to. Remember: if you are going to make choices like these around your wedding day, then you absolutely have to be prepared to feel some disappointment along the way. Not everybody is going to be able to make it.

This postpartum pal is just an example of course. It can be applied to any number of reasons why your wedding might not work for somebody else. I was extremely ill a couple of years ago and I was unable to attend two weddings that summer. I was on a waiting list for a surgery that could have happened at any moment. I was riddled with anxiety about travelling, suffering from trauma, and living with acute and painful symptoms every moment of every day. One of the weddings was in Italy, and one was at Wilderness Festival in Oxfordshire. And they also happened to be scheduled literally a day apart, so it would have been a week of full-on action… something my body and mental health were completely incapable of handling at that time of my life. Sadly, I had to tell my dear friends I couldn’t make it, even though both of them had been at my wedding with bells on. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be at their weddings. It was because in my life, at that time, with what I was going through, I simply could not attend.

If at any moment during your wedding planning process, you feel you have been let down by somebody, take the wedding blinkers off for a moment and think. Remember that this person has always shown up for you in the past. There must be a good reason that they have been unable to go with your wedding flow. And above all else remember that just because your wedding works for you, does not mean it is going to work for everybody. Don’t be a dick.

Respect your loved ones and whatever it is that they might have going on… financial stress, health struggles, family issues, whatever it is. At the end of the day, it may be the big one for you, but your wedding day is still just one day of your life. Being  a rock ‘n’ roll bride is one thing, but being a true ride or die lasts a lifetime.