I have spent most of my adult life inside other people’s weddings.

For over eighteen years couples have trusted me with the most personal day of their lives. They’ve DMed me the questions they don’t dare ask anyone else. Sent photos before anyone else saw them. Asked if I’d be willing to share their story on my website, my social media and my magazine. When I stop and think about it, it’s kind of mind blowing. I’ve watched thousands of people step into this moment where their private relationship briefly becomes something pretty public.

And no matter the style of wedding or the type of person messaging me, one thing comes up over and over again: the pressure to define what sort of bride you are and what sort of wedding you’re having.

Big wedding or small wedding? Traditional or alternative? Registry office or three-day destination? Luxury or budget? Effortless or editorial? Chill or extra AF?

I’ve watched couples apologise for spending too much and others apologise for not spending enough. I’ve lost count of the number of submissions that start with, “We didn’t really have a theme, we just wanted it to feel like us,” before going on to describe an incredibly well thought out one. There’s no need to be embarrassed that you wanted something specific. It doesn’t make you uncool and it certainly doesn’t make you a bridezilla.

Somewhere along the way the idea of being a chill bride became social media cool, and openly caring about your wedding became anything but. But take one look at Instagram or TikTok and it’s clear that everything looks more curated than it ever has. That’s not a criticism. Effort and creativity are part of what make weddings interesting. The strange part is how many people now feel the need to pretend they didn’t care.

“Oh, we were just so unbothered about how it looked, we just wanted everyone to have fun!” the caption says, while showing off highly curated photos featuring espresso martini towers, giant satin ceremony drapery and three designer gowns. You did care. That shit didn’t just happen. And that’s alright!

For as long as there have been weddings there has been pressure on couples, particularly brides, to perform for other people. Social media didn’t invent that; it just made it more visible. Because for a brief moment in your life you are allowed to take up space. The catch is that everyone suddenly has an opinion about it. Maybe that’s why so many couples these days like to say they were super chill? Because if you pretend you didn’t care that much, any criticism you might receive won’t hurt as much (spoiler, it still will!)

The pressure to be the Chill Alt Bride is just as real as the pressure to be the Traditional Bride. Both come with expectations and invisible rules. One just happens to have more social currency right now, but it will flip again, wedding trends always do.

Your wedding doesn’t have to prove anything. Not how relaxed you are, not how alternative you are, not how unique your ideas were, not how little you care. It’s simply a moment where you gather the people you love and mark the life you’re building together.

And then, when its over, life moves on and you begin your new chapter of being married to your favourite person. Which is exactly how it should be.