When my fiancé brought up the idea of having a full-blown three-day destination wedding abroad in Portugal, you’d think I would’ve been over the moon with excitement. Instead, it triggered some of my deepest fears. Everyone always says, “A wedding is one of the few times in your life everyone you love will be in one room.” My brain’s response to that was: “Everyone we love? Am I…loved?” With that, my palms started to sweat, my chest felt tight, and I wanted nothing more than to hide. Now, reflecting on the past year of wedding planning, I can see the rollercoaster of my concerns and how they evolved every few months. Here are a few of them and what helped me work through it all. 

The Guest List Is Not a Friendship Audit

At the start of the process, my main concern was of course, the guest list. I felt immense pressure about who I should invite, and in turn, who would show up for me. There’s this expectation that weddings are the most important event of your life, and everyone you’ve ever known should be present. Anyone who doesn’t make the cut will be untethered from you forever, and your relationship will disappear into the ether…right?

My therapist at the time said something that stuck with me: “A wedding is just a party. You’re going to have people at your wedding who you don’t talk to in the future, and there’s going to be people who didn’t attend your wedding who you’ll be best friends with. It’s not that deep unless you make it that deep.” My mum added to that, saying, “I don’t even remember who attended my wedding.”

With my therapist’s permission, I felt freed from the pressure I was imposing on myself. Instead, I prioritised the people I wanted to with no rhyme or reason. I stopped calculating all these frivolous tallies like, ‘Well they did this for me that one time, and I saw them ten months ago which is still within a year, and I met them when I was in middle school, and they’re my family on this side…’ My final decisions were simply based on who made me feel good when I imagined them at our wedding.

An RSVP Is Not a Judgement

And once the invites were sent out and the RSVPs started coming in, I learned to accept that the people who want to make it, will, and the people who don’t, won’t.

But it’s not beef if they don’t. Your guests will get pregnant. Many, many of your guests will get pregnant, actually. Some might lose their jobs or fall terribly ill. Some might simply not fuck with you like that—and that’s okay, too. On the other hand, anyone willing to travel on a six-hour flight to a faraway land for you most certainly cares about you. Decisions will be made, and it gets less scary the more you accept that everyone is leading their own lives, just like you are.

There’s also plenty of people my fiancé and I love who won’t attend for logistical reasons. Some of our family members abroad can’t obtain travel visas. Some of our elderly relatives don’t feel comfortable taking a flight. All totally valid. It doesn’t mean we love each other any less. In fact, it’s just reaffirmed how secure I feel in our bond.  

Yes, the Aunties Will Talk

The next worry I expressed to my therapist was, “What if I overhear someone criticising the décor or complaining about the food? The aunties, for example. The aunties will talk!”

And to that she replied, “People probably will talk. That’s what aunties do at weddings. If you can accept that going into it—maybe even expect it as a totally normal, common thing that happens—you’ll give yourself more peace of mind.”

People process their thoughts out loud sometimes. All the time. I’ve also been to weddings where I’ve commented on x, y, z, all while not actually thinking anything of it. (Oh, God. Why didn’t I just shut my mouth?). We can’t control what other people think or say—nor can we prove the extent of their feelings. One thing’s for sure, minor comments don’t mean total condemnation. Overall, if youlike how things turned out, then nothing else matters. It’s your wedding, after all.

The Power of Acceptance

A few months later, I was feeling overwhelmed by a new mix of logistical, financial, and interpersonal items that ultimately led to me lashing out at my partner. So, he asked me to list all the things I was worried about, and I realised that it all came down to one thing.

🖤 My divorced families see each other for the first time in over a decade → I feel overstimulated from navigating their dynamic → I’m put in a bad mood.

🖤 My aunt complained about the airfare being too expensive when I saw her during Christmas → She’ll complain at my wedding in front of everyone → I’m put in a bad mood.

🖤 The list goes on, but I won’t bore you → You get the gist → I’m put in a bad mood.

There it was. The real issue. I was afraid I’d be in a bad mood and would ruin the whole weekend for myself and everyone else. We’d invested so much time and money into this event, it would be the biggest shame if we didn’t enjoy it to the fullest.

Luckily for me, this was something I could control now that I was aware of it. In fact, it was the only thing I could control. Myself!

I realised it wasn’t about the external factors at all—people murmuring, vendors cancelling, family trauma re-emerging. It was about ensuring my own state of mind would be in tip-top shape so I could create a beautiful experience for myself and my partner. Especially my partner. Us brides often forget that it’s their big day, too.

Getting Out of My Own Head

What would it look like if I got out of my self-centreed head for a little (‘I need to look amazing, I need to be a perfect host, I need to not mess up any of the dance steps, I need to, I need to, I need to…), and focused my attention on my groom?

While our guests will see us two as the centrepiece of the weekend, I could see him as the centrepiece of my weekend. I want, more than anything else, for him to have the time of his life. And if I’m going to fight off an impending bad mood for anybody, it’s going to be him.

The Final Boss: Being Perceived

Now, we’re finally at the tail end of planning, and all that’s left is to go out there and do the damn thing. With that in mind, the final boss of wedding fears can no longer be ignored: how to handle being the centre of attention. Yes, I know I said I would focus on my partner, but I’d be lying if I said the woman in the poofy white dress isn’t going to have all eyes on her at some points.

When I think about why being the centre of attention scares me, it not only pertains to my wedding anxiety, but the general social anxiety that I deal with in my everyday life.

I’ll be the first to admit I care about what people think about me and how I’m being perceived.

Subconscious thoughts like, ‘Do they like me? Are they judging me? Was our conversation okay? Did I come off weird?’ arise in my interactions with others.

And regarding the wedding, my thoughts have been sounding more like, ‘Will my guests think I’m not commanding enough? Will they think I don’t know how to lead a big event? Will they think I’m unentertaining, uncharismatic, boring, inarticulate? Will they be able to tell that I’m nervous? Will they think I’m weird because I’m nervous?’

Rather than counteract this with feigned confidence, what if we leaned into acceptance a little bit more? Like, yeah, I am nervous; I’m not a commanding person who knows how to work a room or be the life of the party; I don’t know how to lead big events.

Acceptance ultimately leads to confidence because we’re not fighting the situation anymore. Instead, we’re letting the natural order of things play out the way they do, and letting life be life.

Take Jennifer Lawrence for example, and the time she fell going up the stairs at the Oscars. She accepted that she fell and was able to laugh at herself about it. That’s why she appeared so relaxed and relatable.

When you take the pressure off yourself to be perfect, you can laugh at yourself and show up more authentically. Things go wrong at weddings; it’s normal, it’s expected, it’s okay.

It’s the paradox of acceptance: Desiring a positive experience is a negative experience. Accepting a negative experience is a positive experience.

You’re the Guest of Honour, Not the Host

But I do have some advice for the actual event. I’m someone who loves connecting with others one-on-one. I enjoy giving someone my complete, undivided attention, and getting deep and personal about what we have going on in our lives.

A wedding, however, is not the place to go around asking all your guests for life updates or checking if they need assistance. When my best friend got married in San Francisco, I told her, ‘You’re not the host, you’re the guest of honour. Act like it! You don’t need to rush and try to make your rounds. You’ll get to people when you get to them, at your own pace.’ Now, I’m telling myself the same thing. My main priorities that weekend will be to take pictures, dance, and stay by my partner’s side. Otherwise, brides, shut your brain off. (Another piece of advice from a fellow engaged bestie).

Now, I’ve identified and addressed the root of all my fears, and confronted each of them head on.

The Bride Will Be Eating

But I’ll admit I do still have one concern left. Forget all the noise of the outside world. My inner world, my own lived-in experience, and feeling good in my body (my mind is under control now, can you believe that?), is paramount now. Unfortunately, it’s a little trickier to manage. Your body will go into fight-or-flight mode before your mind has even processed what’s going on.

I’ve heard from so many people that brides don’t eat at their weddings because they’re so overwhelmed with emotion. But me? Oh, no. I want to eat everything!

In an ideal world, I’ll feel nothing but love that weekend, permeating my body like a wave of serenity and safety. Not a hypervigilant tightness in my stomach and throat—the kind that stems from fear and self-protection (and excitement and adrenaline). All our loved ones in one place, having travelled far and wide for us, looking upon us fondly, celebrating our love with us. Love, love, love is what we all want on our wedding day, isn’t it? So, how can I optimise for the best bodily experience that weekend?

Meditation? Prayer? Yoga? Somatic exercises? Consulting friends? Talking to more therapists? Drinking wine to give myself a nice, relaxed buzz?

I’m sure all these solutions would help, but if there’s anything I’ve learned from the past year, leaning in the opposite direction and accepting that my body will probably have moments of tightness, accepting that it’s going to be tough to down heaps of food I carefully chose and paid for (sob), and accepting that I’ll still feel overwhelmed with love no matter what, might just be the secret to letting my body relax, and assuring it that it’s in a safe, wonderful place.

But just in case, fellow brides, don’t forget to ask someone to pack a generous box of leftovers for you. Multiple, even. Food tastes better after hours anyways.

Now, let’s get this show on the road. We deserve it.

About the Author

Alexis Yoo is a writer based in New York. She is currently pursuing her MFA at Columbia University. She enjoys writing personal essays, auto-fictional short stories, and is working on a literary speculative fiction novel.