A wedding is a day full of emotions and expectations, both for the couple as well as their guests. A somewhat unfortunate side effect is that everyone will have an opinion. Couples will often find their choices in regards to how they’d like to celebrate this day scrutinised. And one such choice invites even more scrutiny: when they choose to have a child-free wedding. Reactions to this decision can be tricky to navigate, as they combine the emotions surrounding weddings with protectiveness and fear of exclusion.

Child-free doesn’t mean anti-child

Guests who are parents often take this choice as a personal rejection of their children. In reality, it’s usually an act of care by the couple; for themselves, for their guests, and for the experience they aim to create.

Many couples, whether they opt for a child-free wedding or not, love the children in their life. They might work with children, dote on nieces, nephews, and friends’ children, or plan to have their own later on. And yes, some may even be childfree by choice. Shocking, I know.

What parents tend to forget, however, is that not every occasion is suitable for children. And even though they might prefer to have their children attend every event in their lives, the reality is that this is not always best. This is not to mean that children ruin weddings per se; for some couples they are an inherent part of it. But for others, children might add unnecessary stress and complications to an already emotionally charged day. A couple planning a child-free wedding is not looking to judge or insult their guests; they are simply choosing what best fits this one day.

Deviating from the default

Weddings seem to have a default setting of “invite everyone”. When a couple deviates from this, they can be made to feel like they’re rebelling or being selfish. But remember: this is your day, and it should fit your style and needs, not others’ expectations.

Couples may have various reasons for preferring a child-free wedding:

👶 Wanting a calm, focused ceremony, without unexpected disruptions;
👶 Planning a long day leading into a night of celebration;
👶 A venue that’s less suited for children;
👶 Budget restraints;
👶 Wanting their guests to be fully present and enjoy the day without distractions.

Boundaries offer clarity

When planning a child-free wedding, it’s important to communicate this clearly and in a timely manner. Remember that boundaries are not a rejection of your guests’ life choices, but rather a protection of your own peace of mind.

Mention it as early as the save the date, so guests can plan ahead and arrange a sitter or a sleepover. Make sure guests are reminded by including it again on the invitation and, if applicable, your wedding website. Use positive phrasing, to reduce resentment and emphasise the positive effects of your choice. And if all else fails, ‘blame’ the venue.

Possible phrasing couples could use are:

👶 “We’ve chosen an adults-only celebration so everyone can fully enjoy the day.”
👶 “We’d love for all our guests to have a night off to relax, so make sure you arrange childcare in advance.”
👶 “Capacity is limited at our venue, which means we’ve had to make difficult choices regarding our guest list. This means that we cannot accommodate children.”

Additional tip: list only the people invited on the invitation: “Rebecca and Marc Jones” instead of “The Smiths”.

Some guests might still question the decision, so it might be helpful to prepare some concise responses. This will also prevent any discussion from becoming defensive or resentful. And remember: “This is what is right for us and our wedding” is a complete explanation.

If and when guests decide not to attend your child-free wedding, it is also important to not take this too personally. Just like you as the couple have your reasons for opting for a child-free celebration, guests will have their reasons for not attending. Perhaps they were unable to arrange childcare. Perhaps their (understandable) disappointment does not allow them to accept your (valid) reasons.

It is important for both the couple and their guests to remember: a wedding is just one day (or maybe a weekend). The relationship goes beyond that.

Child-free is a valid (life) choice

As a childfree person myself, I have seen all too often how choices that deviate from the norm are questioned, not taken seriously, or misunderstood. Women especially are expected to cater to children, even if it does not fit in with their lifestyle. Opting for a childfree life is still seen as unnatural and immature. These views are amplified when it comes to weddings.

Remember that a child-free wedding is not selfish, unloving or cold; it’s just different. What matters is choosing what works for your wedding with intention, care and honesty. When your wedding reflects your values, it makes it all the more meaningful for everyone involved.

About the Author

Jolanda is a Dutch wedding planner and the founder of Jojo’s Weddings & Events, where she helps couples create weddings that reflect who they truly are, not what’s expected. She is also the co-founder of Lobsters for Life, an inclusive wedding fair for offbeat and alternative celebrations. She is happily childfree herself and a devoted mum to her senior pug Kenzie.