We all know the truly chilling/hilarious and deeply ironic ‘no ragrets’ tattoo. A permanent mistake the wearer must live with that not only is so cringe and embarrassing but maybe more importantly, flies in the face of the tattoo’s intent; to live a life of freedom without the weight of regrets. Alert, alert, you fucked it. Your life is now reduced to a monumental ‘ragret’ that you cannot escape (the ‘No ragrets’ guy is actually a character from a movie, but you get the drift!)

Sadly, this often happens to marriers. But instead of the GOAT of tattoo mistakes, they embark on a wedding planning journey that is so goddamn stressful, that all they remember is how much they wanted it to be over, a surprisingly detailed mental list of who wronged them and revenge era plans they’ve spent many sleepless nights concocting.

Alert, alert, you fucked it. What was meant to be a gorgeous, love-filled time of core memory shit instead turned into a horror mix of overwhelm, overwork, frayed relationships and frustrating moments. All stitched together with financial distress and frequent arguments where you shout NO YOU CALM DOWN at your fiancé, MIL/FIL/SIL/BIL, your dentist and your puppy. So, let me help you actually enjoy the planning and the day. Because, it is, after all, the journey and not the destination.

Prioritise

You can make a wedding so complicated that you’ll need a serial killer-style wall complete with maps, photos, diagrams, evidence, push pins and string just to understand the order of the day. So relaxing. So chill. Please, come join me in my wedding planning room, it’s not weird and scary. Don’t worry about it, and do not tell another living soul what you have seen here today *smiles chillingly*.

There’s almost no limit to how many vendors and suppliers you can add to your day if you get caught in a wedding vortex. Sure, you want a celebrant and some cute outfits, but why not also have a juggler, portrait drawer and 18 caterers each creating a different cuisine from the countries you’ve travelled to together? Because it’s too much to organise and manage. Probably bankrupt you also. Alert, alert dudes. Alert.

Instead, spend some time working out your wedding priorities. Choose your top three most important things together and channel your effort and dollars into those. When you feel yourself getting sucked into the vortex, get back to those priorities, while shouting UP YOURS VORTEX YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME!

Trust no-one

Being super suspicious of everyone is not the usual wedding advice is it? But just like I say to my little kiddies, we only cross the road with a trusted adult. Same goes for wedding planning. Do not talk to just anyone about your ideas and plans. Afterall, anyone could be anyone and they are likely not to get your rock ‘n’ roll wedding aspirations and instead, give you super dumb advice about what their daughter did for her wedding, some 2.5 decades ago.

Weddings, along with baby having or not having, divorce and tattoos set people off to being the most annoying, unwarranted, uninvited advice pushers. So, like I said, trust no one and as a result, breeze through your planning. May I suggest watching episodes of the original X Files to conjure up the perfect trust issues, just like iconic (and handsome as heck) Agent Fox Mulder.

Get help

Get as much help as you can afford. I know you are a skilled legend, who probably can pull off a rad wedding. But just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. I bet you can prob cut your own hair/work out how to service your car/do your own pap smear, but do you?

If the budget doesn’t stretch to professionals, scale the complicated things back and slash or get a gang of actually helpful (and willing) friends and fam together to be the dozen or so pairs of hands you need. It is OK to trust these people, in case you are wondering, though I am not sure Agent Mulder would approve.

Get more help

As the wedding gets near, get more help. And then delegate like the bad bitch you are. Your trusted group of friends and fam, and hopefully a few really solid vendors will mean you can float along in the couple of frenetic weeks leading up to the big day, actually having fun, enjoying your fiancé and being in love. More of this please, and less of the NO YOU CALM DOWNS.

Set your clock off time

If you’re deep in styling and planning and self-catering and cake making even though I suggested you take it back a few notches, please for the love of your actual sanity, set a clock-off time the day before the wedding. Say 2pm? Great. And after that, do nothing except fun shit like drink cocktails, get massages and have people make you look like the queen you are.

On the day, let it all go

You are a zen queen, who clocked off yesterday and has been luxuriating since. You know the day will be absolutely amazing. You know you’ve done the work in the lead-up and whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. You expertly let go of the outcomes and live in the many beautiful moments. If something is not perfect, who truly cares.

In almost nine years of styling weddings, there’s never been anything that’s taken place on the day that either couldn’t be rectified by someone who is not the couple or that materially changed how the wedding would look/feel/run, i.e., no one noticed.

Have a go-to person

Assign a go-to person for the actual event. An on-the-day coordinator is an excellent investment if your venue doesn’t come with an event manager. If that’s not going to fit your budget, get your best person to be the go-to for all the bits and pieces throughout. You do not want to be dealing with silly stuff, and you shall not.

Have fun

Take a few deep breaths, relax those shoulders and go marry your lover, surrounded by the people you adore. It’s really quite fun if you let it.