When it comes to a wedding or a new marriage, the merging of families can prove to be a turbulent time. Making sure both sets of families are comfortable with the changes and expectations of the day can be challenging, and finding the confidence to speak up for yourself, your opinions and your needs can be very difficult.

Like trying to get your elbows on the bar when ordering a round of drinks in a busy pub, when it comes to planning a wedding – and marriage – you can be jostled about, skipped over, and sometimes you really have to raise your voice above the ruckus to make sure you get served.

Sometimes, it can be difficult to find the confidence to do so… but if you don’t assert yourself and make your voice heard now, it will make it all the more difficult later. Once that dynamic has already been established people may assume that you are subservient; that you will wait to be served last without speaking up; that you will let people cut in front of you and your needs without raising it as an issue.

If you’re reading this and wanting to make sure it doesn’t happen, or maybe you’re in a place where it is already happening and you want it to change before it sets for good, I have two very important C-words for you… confidence and communication.

As you merge your families and create these new dynamics, you and your partner’s roles within your respective families of origin can shift dramatically. Other family members can find this very difficult to navigate. “Urrr! I was here first!” you might feel them thinking (if I quickly pop back to the busy pub metaphor), as your partner begins to prioritise you and your needs over them and theirs for the first time. It is so important to have the confidence to stand your ground when this is the case.

Now… as easy as it could be to revert to the Monster-in-Law trope for this article, I think it is safe to say that these behaviours rarely occur just because someone is being difficult for the sake of it. Generally, they are deep-rooted patterns that no one actually notices because it’s their version of normal.

Perhaps, for example, your new husband grew up with a single mum and has been unknowingly fulfilling the roles of son, father and husband to his mother and sibling(s) since he was little. Or maybe, your new wife and her family went through a terrible trauma together, long before you ever showed up, and she still feels she must over-promise and over-provide in order to make it better for everyone. Both examples include patterns which are not healthy, but nevertheless they are patterns which would be hard for anyone to break. So, it’s important to consider this while you begin to assert yourself and find your confidence in your new role as a someone-in-law.

This is where the communication comes in. In my life, I have learned – and continue to learn – that the best way to assert yourself is to be honest, but with empathy. You can’t just bark your needs at someone, dismiss theirs completely, and expect that to be a dynamic that works in perpetuity. There may be another C-word that pops in here and that’s compromise. If you can communicate confidently, with empathy, generosity, and a willingness to listen (and they can do the same) you may find a compromise that works for both of you – and then you’re on to a winner.

Of course, there are some situations where, no matter how hard you might try, the other person won’t be willing to listen, to compromise, to make space for you. That’s when it becomes more important than ever to hold on to your confidence and remember one thing…

If someone is making you feel small because they don’t like a choice you’ve made for your wedding (or the way you live your life), what they’re saying has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. If someone is making you second guess yourself because you’re two years into your marriage and they think you ought to have had a baby by now, what they’re saying has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. If someone is making you feel uncomfortable because your spouse is prioritising you over them and they aren’t used to that; their actions/words/passive-aggressive jabs/facial expressions have everything to do with them and nothing to do with you.

This is their stuff. Not yours. They need to find the confidence to communicate better. They need to do the work. Don’t feel you have to do it for them. And certainly, don’t feel you have to shrink to allow for the space they’re demanding just because they’re refusing to budge.

Have confidence in your voice. Communicate your needs with empathy. Give them an opportunity to return the courtesy. And if they don’t take it, then there’s nothing else you can do. Claim your space. Get your elbows on that bar and make your order. Have the confidence to explicitly communicate: “No. That doesn’t work for me. I won’t be doing that.” … “I’ll have two pints of Confidence and a packet of Boundaries, please. No ice.”

And “Yes!”, you can add to that order, as your confidence blooms and you start to voice the things that really matter to you when it comes to your wedding… I will be wearing a jumpsuit at my wedding, even though your nan thinks it will “look like you’re marrying a man”, because it makes me feel amazing. Yes, I will be removing the word “obey” from my vows, even though your mum thinks it makes me sound like I “don’t respect” you, because it is more in-keeping with my feminist views. And, yes, we will be doing our first dance to the goddamn Pokemon Theme Song, because – though it may not mean anything to you, Auntie Fiona – it means everything to us… the couple… the two people this day is actually about… the two people who have chosen to share their life together. Aaaaand scene.