For every wedding tradition, there’s a weird social expectation attached to it. Some of them are relatively harmless. Some are loaded with pressure, gender roles, family politics or just straight-up capitalism. And yet couples are still made to feel like they have to do it all, whether it makes sense for them or not.

Nikki, a jeweller and former bride, shares her experience of saying no to the stuff that didn’t matter, and yes to what actually did.

You don’t have to have an engagement ring

My name is Nikki, I am a jeweller, and I don’t have an engagement ring.

Wedding rings have been around for ages, I’m not sure anyone really knows exactly how long. Engagement rings (and diamond engagement rings specifically) are quite a new phenomenon. Diamonds were a rich people only thing, maybe 2% of the population might ever have owned a diamond before 1900. A lot of the stuff which surrounds them, how much you should spend on them is just marketing, very patriarchal, and kind of gross. Definitely worth binning.

Of course, if you want an engagement ring, that is a marvellous thing! As a total ring obsessive having something gorgeous on your finger every day makes everything better. Just buy something you really like, it doesn’t matter if its not traditional.

If your heart is set on something totally impractical, just be gentle with it, you don’t need to keep your jewellery on when washing up, or gardening, or doing anything involving hammers. A friend of mine lost the diamond from her ring in a compost heap! You don’t need to be wearing diamonds if you are going to put your hands in a compost heap.

You don’t have to share your plans with family

There are loads of articles online about how to manage family not being supportive of your alternative ideas, and lots of the advice is really good. However I have another suggestion: just don’t tell them.

One thing my husband and I were absolutely certain about when we started planning our wedding was that we wanted a cake from Claire Owen, I did a couple of wedding fairs with her, trying loads of her samples, so it was something we were really excited about and one of the first things we did. Despite our excitement, a particular family member was so unimpressed with the fact we weren’t having a traditional fruit cake they announced they would bring their own cake with them in their handbag! The thought of every aspect of our wedding being met with grumps was exhausting.

So, we stopped sharing anything other than the necessary information. On the day, surrounded by our friends, the enthusiasm for our plans carried everyone along, but I’m sure if we had tried to carry them through the planning process it would have been excruciating. Really, it’s a matter of knowing your people, and managing them as best you can.

You don’t have to give people jobs if they won’t do them

Wedding parties are a slightly odd thing; they are chosen from your closest friends and family, not necessarily from who’s going to be your best support system for the day. People are complicated, and if some of the people closest to you aren’t reliable, or for unavoidable reasons are going to have other priorities, then I think it’s better to accept that they don’t have to be a bridesmaid! Make sure you only give jobs to people who are actually going to do them, or you are just increasing your own stress levels.

If the best man has known the groom since they were 5, and is brilliantly funny but super forgetful, don’t ask him to remember to bring the rings! Just give them to someone else until they are actually at the ceremony. If you have key family members with young kids, be realistic about the possibility of disruption. If your maid of honour has a tiny baby, she may well not turn up to help you decorate the venue, best intentions or not.

I gave my in-laws one job. They gave it back two days later, which was much better than waiting until the last minute to tell me they hadn’t done it! If I’m honest, I only tried to give them something to do because I had a random moment where I felt I wasn’t including them, but if I had just been honest with myself, I wouldn’t have bothered! After the day, they actually did a great job of helping with the clean up, which was wonderful. Be honest with yourself about the people in your life, and let them play to their strengths.

You don’t have to wear white

This was an easy one for me because my mum got married in a green dress in the late 70s, so I had never at any point seen myself in a traditional white wedding dress. As a short round 40-year-old with a very small budget, I didn’t mess about. I went to a shop that had bridesmaid dresses in large enough sizes with a simple plan: find something that I will be comfortable in.

I did try a couple of oyster coloured and pale green dresses, but when I put a dark emerald green sample on I just felt immediately like me. I loved wearing a colour that actually really suited me. I added a gold sequin cape and some gold cowboy boots bought on a whim in Waterloo station, and a headband that meant I didn’t have to do anything complex with my hair. When I told a few of my friends I had bought a dark green dress, they said they hadn’t remotely considered not wearing white for their own weddings!

You don’t have be someone else

You don’t have to a make-up artist, get matching robe photos with your bridesmaids, wear high heels or change who you are for one day.

I did my own hair and make-up, and kept things really simple. The hire for our venue was for 24-hours, we so had a lot of setup to do in the morning, and it was very manic. Our venue were a bit shit to be honest. If I had tried to do all the extra stuff I really didn’t care about like millions of photo set ups, it would have been awful and so stressful!

Basically, it’s your wedding so you should be you.

So just remember, there is no one right way to do this. You’re allowed to strip it all back, keep it simple, or get creative in your own way. None of it makes you less committed, less serious, or less deserving of a beautiful day. You’re getting married, not doing an exam. And that’s more than enough.

About the Author

Nikki Stark designs and makes simple, elegant jewellery, primarily rings, to order from her base in South West London. Each piece is made using traditional techniques, hand tools and recycled materials.

Nikki’s jewellery has a slightly organic, refined rustic feel, with two collections of designs inspired by the garden and the seashore. She also offers a range of very simple bands, and wishbones which can be shaped around engagement rings.