Planning a wedding is a massive undertaking. The venue, the decor, the guests, the reception– it can all feel like too much. And to do it all over again after losing your previous partner? It’s tough! But this just means that we have so much to learn from the people who have been there, done that, and come out the other side stronger than ever.
Here are 10 practical lessons from six different remarried couples, so you can learn what they wish they knew before their second wedding:
Spend your money on yourself
At the end of the day, your wedding is about your partnership. So no matter how big or small your budget is, focus on the purchases that will be meaningful for you long after the ceremony.
As Alisha said, “Don’t get yourself into financial trouble by throwing a party that most people will barely remember. Keep it true to yourselves, your goals, your interests, your budget!”
If you want to go big, do it! But if you start feeling overwhelmed with planning, there is no pressure to host an elaborate ceremony. Jenn agreed, “Micro weddings are so chic, and you can spend the money you saved on traveling or having other cool adventures.”
Remember your audience
Just as you have changed since your first marriage, your friends and family have grown too. So, wedding events can be adjusted to better suit you and your attendees’ current lifestyles.
For example, Ari realised (belatedly, so that you don’t have to), that “we are no longer in our 20s. If people are not going to party until midnight, there is no reason to pay for a venue for that long.”
Maybe many of your friends have children now or don’t drink as much as they used to. You could consider having a morning ceremony and brunch reception, swapping out a DJ for some classy live music, or exchanging shots for cocktail pairings, and creating a relaxed atmosphere that’s accessible for everyone.
Split the event into multiple days
There’s no law that says your ceremony and reception have to be on the same day! If you’re busy or just want to cut down on the stress, consider doing what Susan and John did and split your wedding into two events.
They had an intimate ceremony with just their nuclear families on their wedding day. Then, about a month later, they held a barbecue where they invited more extended family and friends to celebrate.
They loved their two-part wedding because they got to focus on spending quality time with everyone involved. You could also focus on one event at a time, so each part of your wedding is exactly the way you want. It would be half the stress and double the celebration!
Plan as much (or as little) as you want
Wedding planning can be stressful, but it doesn’t have to be a multi-month process that takes over your life! Clair and Kyle were engaged in January, but by February, Kyle had orders to be deployed overseas. So, they made quick work of wedding planning and got married in March!
“Within a week, we had called in favours for flowers, hair, and photos. I’d ordered a dress online and borrowed a veil from a friend,” Clair recalls.
Despite the rush, Clair loved how intimate her second wedding was: “It felt so intentional and focused on us, our love, and the life we were choosing to build together… I’m also glad we didn’t spend months on end planning and stressing, or spend a ton of money. Simple can be beautiful!”
Now, hopefully your fiancé doesn’t unexpectedly have to leave the country one month into your engagement, but that’s all to say that you get to choose how much planning you do and when. You can space it out month by month or knock it all out in a week! Whether you like to plan every detail or go with the flow, your day will be uniquely reflective of you, and that’s the way it should be.
Manage expectations
Unfortunately, rates for declined RSVPs and even last-minute no-shows are higher in remarriage ceremonies than in first weddings. In general, about 20% of guests will decline the invitation, and an additional 5-10% won’t show up on the day of.
Of course, there are a variety of reasons for people not to attend a wedding (many of which are outside of anyone’s control), but it is important to manage expectations throughout the planning process and the event itself.
As Clair says, “The people who love you and truly want to see you happy will support you no matter what!” There will always be things that come up, but the people who come through for you (including your beloved) are worth celebrating. Focus on those who show up. You can deal with the no-shows later.
Include your children early on
One of the most challenging parts of remarriage is blending families. That said, with some intentionality and patience, it can also be one of the best and most healing parts of getting married again.
Ari had a child who was five when she and Greg started dating and 10 when they married. They moved slowly to help her get to know him, and Greg took her on daddy-daughter dates so she felt equally loved and accepted.
There are so many creative ways to incorporate your children into events leading up to and after the wedding. From special hangouts to unity ceremonies, you get to choose what feels best for your new family. Just remember that all relationships take time, even with kids, so invite them to be a part of things early and often. Consistency is key!
Be intentional about your engagement
Ari says, “The wedding is the event, but the marriage is the commitment, the challenge. Picking a forever person after your first attempt failed is scary. It raises questions and concerns that you may never have considered.” So, find the length of engagement that is right for you.
For Ari, a long engagement was their best choice. “We were able to completely avoid debt by having a two-year engagement and paying towards our wedding savings or vendors monthly.” A long engagement also gave Ari and Greg more time to feel secure in their choice to get married again.
On the other hand, it took Clair three proposals from Kyle for her to feel ready to remarry, but their short engagement (albeit unplanned) once she was in saved them lots of wedding stress in the long run. So, choose the timeline that would be most beneficial for you! There should be no external pressure to rush or prolong the engagement if that’s not what you want.
Don’t sweat the small stuff
Beth said, “The hardest part [of weddings is] the stress of wanting to get it all done as planned and having it go off without problems… But if the day doesn’t go to plan, you just have more memories to laugh about later on.”
Beth’s favorite part of her wedding was the dance. It was “108° with no air conditioning in the venue, so it soon became an outdoor dance. [Brad] had friends working for the city who blocked off the streets,” Beth recalled, “Complaints were made later in the evening and the police came, but it was another hour before it got shut down. The police were just sad that they weren’t invited!”
That’s all to say, if things fall by the wayside during the planning or even on the day of, take a deep breath and remember it’s going to be okay. As Clair said, “The second time around, the little things like place card holders and napkin patterns didn’t matter, because I was focused on the life I was getting to build with my husband.”
Most likely, nobody will remember the details that “went awry,” and if you do, it’ll become a fun story to retell years from now. Focus on what’s important and enjoy the ride.
Stay true to what you want
The key factor that unites all of our remarriage success stories is that they stuck to their guts and planned a ceremony that was exactly what they wanted it to be. Not their family’s or their friend’s, but theirs – a wedding that was authentic to what they stood for as a couple.
So, even though planning a wedding is not easy (not the first time nor the third time around), be courageous and stay true to your partnership. The people who matter will respect your choices. And everyone else can just shove it.
Remarriages don’t often get all the glitz and coverage that first weddings do, but these couples prove that ceremonies can be just as wonderful, if not even more so, the next time around. Because when the storybook fantasies are gone, we’re just left with imperfect humans who have loved and lost and choose to try again despite everything, and there’s nothing more powerful than that.
About the Author
Ruthie Wu is a multidisciplinary storyteller, singer-songwriter, dancer, actress, and artist. She’s written a play, published a children’s book, won contests with her poetry, and her paintings have been featured in community centres in the United States and Canada. As a proud Chinese American, she is passionate about amplifying marginalised voices and building bridges between people one word, story, or drawing at a time. Ruthie has been a long-time follower of Rock n Roll Bride and is thrilled to be a guest writer on this one-of-a-kind platform!
And special thanks to our remarried couples: Susan & John Whealton, Beth & Bradley Zweifel, Clair & Kyle Sweet, Jenn Ward & Scott Lipp, Alisha & Matt Livingston, Ari & Greg Schroeder.