A little while ago, I asked my dad for marriage advice. He thought for a minute on the sun-warm grass, and dropped this little bombshell in my lap: “With the right person, it’s easy. With the wrong person, it’s impossible.”

Thanks, dad. Maddeningly unhelpful.

But the more you think about it, the more you realise how right he is. Because when all the confetti has settled, you’ll be sharing your lives with each other. The exciting, the mundane, the undignified and the vulnerable. They’ll be the one you call when you have good news, and the arms you fall into when you need a hug.

If Vin Diesel was here, he’d sip his Corona and mumble something about family. And me personally? Well, I’m one of the lucky ones. I met my wife 15 years ago, and we’re still head-over-heels, laugh-every-day, pat-each-other’s-booty besotted.

But it still isn’t easy. It’s compromise, communication, and sacrifice. And like anything worth having, it takes a lot of work.

So, what do you do? What recipe do you follow when two lives collide? Don’t worry, I got you. Here’s nine lessons I’ve learned from my nine years of marriage. Go enjoy your wedding – eat, drink, get soppy, get messy. And then get to work on the most precious thing you’ll ever own. 

1. Be Best Friends

Being married is like having a sidekick for life. You’ll make memories together, make big decisions, and do grown-up things. Your problems are theirs; their successes are yours. If you want your marriage to last, it has to be built on friendship. Reciprocal, equal, endlessly considerate friendship.

So more than anything else, be best friends. Forgive freely, laugh daily, cuddle often. Be partners in life, not just in marriage, and build a relationship deeper than just TV, sex and admin.

2. Remember They’re Human

It’s so easy to get pissed off with your partner. I mean, they’re there all the bloody time. Squeezing past you in the kitchen, hogging the bathroom sink, leaving her shit everywhere, buying another rucksack she doesn’t fucking need.

Where was I? Ah yes, forgiveness.

The point is, everything about them will annoy you at some point. It just will. But remember they’re only human. They’re living their life too, they have things on their mind, they have flaws just like you. So, before you unleash the fury, try seeing things from their point of view. Was it thoughtless? Was it inconsiderate? Was it cruel? Or are they just living their life next to yours?

Look at things like this, and I promise you’ll let most things go. (Except the rucksacks. Honestly, it’s like living in a fucking warehouse.)

3. Make Time For Each Other

Once a week, every week, my wife and I have a “Jon and Becky night”. We pour some wine, turn our phones off, ditch the TV. And then we just…chat. About absolutely anything. How work’s going, things we’re looking forward to, how much of an absolute *queen* our daughter is. It’s a different kind of intimacy, you know? It brings us together, and keeps us connected.

I know it’s not a groundbreaking idea, talking to each other. But you’d be surprised how many couples just *don’t*. And if you don’t make time for your relationship, life will quietly break it apart. Weekly conversation is free, easy, and incredibly important. Just fucking do it; everything else can wait. 

4. Laugh Every Day

Life is funny. Laugh at it together. Tell stories, go for adventures, spill the tea. Be the person they call when something funny happens at work, or when they pop a satisfyingly massive spot.

There’ll be plenty of time to be serious, sexy, and soppy. Remember to make time for fun.

5. Resentments Are Like Trees

(Even the little ones grow unless you nip them in the bud.)

A friend of mine argues with his wife on the daily. About stupid, petty shit. “It’s your turn to empty the dishwasher”, “no, I need the car more”, “but you chose dinner yesterday”. But it’s never actually about that. They’re arguing about something else, something bigger. Something left unsaid. And it’s such an easy trap to fall into…

Something annoys you, but you let it go. You don’t say anything, so it keeps on happening. You build it up in your head into something gigantic. And then one day, on an idle Tuesday afternoon, that bubble bursts and you’re screaming at them about a chopping board.

So, tell each other how you feel. Tell them if something bothers you, if you need more support, if you feel unappreciated. You’ll immediately feel tons better, and all those small things will stay small.

6. Share in Each Other’s Success

If they win, you win – in work, in life, in friendship, in everything.

So be happy for them, support them, be proud of them. Say nice things behind their back. Be their biggest cheerleader in everything they do even if it means putting your own dreams on hold, so they can reach theirs.

Because remember, it’s not just about you anymore. You’re a unit, a partnership, a team. So, celebrate when your team wins.

7. Learn Their Love Language

My love language is Acts of Service. I fetch her phone, I make her toast. Sometimes I give her an unexpected lie in. And when she does kind things for me – however small or ordinary – it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 

And that’s the thing about love languages. People love how they want to be loved. So starting today, watch how your partner shows their love for you. Do they do thoughtful things? Do they buy you presents? Are they always finding ways to spend time with you? Do they reach for your hand on the sofa?

Watch how they show you affection, and then mirror it back. And I promise you this: your partner will never feel more loved.

8. Pat Their Booty

Let’s talk about sex, baby.

Now I should say, daily sex does not necessarily make a happy marriage. And equally, if you haven’t had sex in a while, that doesn’t mean your marriage is on the rocks.

But physical affection brings you closer. It keeps the spark alive; it makes you feel wanted; it connects you in a whole different way. And of all the resentments that can quietly build up, this is one of the biggest ones you need to keep your eye on, especially if one of you is a randy little sex fiend.

So be open, and talk about it. If you’re not having sex, acknowledge the elephant in the room. Make time for it, have fun with it. Do naughty things, even when you’re wrinkled. Do it regularly, and make it mind-blowing.

9. Do Thoughtful Things

Happiness is a day-to-day thing. It’s coming into the kitchen and having a cuddle. It’s finding love notes in your lunchbox, and getting a voicenote about their day. It’s calling just to chat, and kissing just because.

True love isn’t grand gestures, or chasing them at the airport. It’s going to the shops to buy them chocolate. So do thoughtful things. Make their days better. Remind them they’re loved.

I think Louis de Benieres said it best…

“Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground. And when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.”